Source: http://journal.ijreview.com/2015/08/246229-apologies/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Owned&utm_term=Conservativedaily&utm_campaign=Culture
“I’m sorry (oops) but I feel the need to address the recent spate of apologia logorrhea by the “Me-Me-Mea Culpa Generation.” It would appear that modern American life can best be described as the minimal downtime between insisted upon/self-preserving apologies.
Now that our subconscious has indeed found a coat rack on Twitter, every 1/32nd of a notion, every rem flutter, every wispy contrail on an electro-encephalogram is being placed on a black velvet jeweler’s cloth and subjected to a loupe inspection just this side of an IMAX colonoscopy. Twitter…never have lives less lived been more chronicled. If only Lewis and Clark had kept journals this assiduous.
Be it the lilac swirled empty cone that is Kelly Osborne or that all too easily cowed waste of an apostrophe Martin O’Malley (insisting he misspoke when he sacrilegiously asserted that “all lives matter”) ex post facto reputation armor-alling has now replaced simple whining as our new national pastime.
Granted, Donald Trump has many rough edges hidden in that cranberry juice cocktail logo of a coiffure but isn’t it cathartic to see a man mis-speak yet stay wallenda-ed out there on a limb all by himself? Not seeking the absolution of a collective that, quite frankly, ridicules, disparages and reviles as a default setting when settled into its own sanctum sanctimonious.
Whose feelings, by the way, are assuaged by these metronomic caveat-empties that sound like a POW reading a prepared statement in the presence of a looming captor? Always delivered in that flat coroner dictaphone monotone that makes the disembodied computerized tram voice at Atlanta/Hartsfield sound like Adele.
The main problem with the present day inquisition squad is that many of our “open-minded” watch guards are among our most close-minded citizens. You know something? In a world that on a daily basis appears to be degenerating into a Hieronymus Bosch litho, if you can get a bug up your ass about anything a comedian has to say, your ass is certainly bug adjacent.
And beyond comedy, who really cares if idiocy is spouted by an idiot? There are now more documented opinions floating in the air than there are mycelium on a moist toadstool. Isn’t someone doing you a big favor when the first thing that publicly flies out of their pie-hole is inane? MOVE ON! Don’t click and become their “Follower” so you can ride the easily aggrieved pickets waiting to be bruised by their next load of tripe.
We have become emotional hemophiliacs, “I’ve got the vapors” junkies, seemingly gauging our self-worth by
overreacting to the most easily ignorable mental burps imaginable. Our need to throw ourselves on the tepid grenade of minor insults is akin to Munchausen by Proxy Syndrome. The empathy class’s urge to intercept the slings and arrows that oft times are ignored by the very people they’re intended for is staggering.
To think in a scant 240 years we’ve gone from “I regret that I have but one life to give to the aid of my country” to “I regret if I offended anybody by inferring that Caitlyn Jenner is not Eve” plots a downward trend on the graph I’ve not seen since I bought JDS Uniphase at $1,227.
As I said earlier, I’m sorry…but somebody had to say it. I’m also sorry that I’ve said I’m sorry twice in such a brief missive…and I’m sorry I wrote this over-explanation of saying sorry twice…and it’s a sorry state of affairs that brought me to this level of agitation. Again, I’m sorry…and yes, as I type this, I’m wearing a sari…and no, I’m not saying I’m wearing a sari as any sort of denigrative callback concerning Caitlyn Jenner but rather because the word “sari” obviously apes the notes of the word “sorry”…and if all this seems superfluous, I’m…”
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If you can’t comprehend Miller’s bewildering, yet astute vernacular, do not fray. I kept Google dictionary open in another tab while reading the article. Miller is best known as a comedian, but has an array of talents. He frequently appears on the notoriously controversial news program, the O’Reilly Factor, to provide political expertise. Miller’s versatility was also exhibited nationally on Monday Night Football during the 2000 season until his unfiltered opinions resulted in the network replacing him with John Madden in 2002. His callous remarks and self-proclaimed immunity to criticism are displayed in his article above. Miller conveys the pussification of America in such a unique and compelling fashion that mere excerpts would not do him justice. Hence why I copied and pasted the entire thing. America has transitioned into the land of the hypersensitive and the home of the PC police. He references Donald Trump, Lewis and Clark, Caitlyn Jenner and more before putting the icing on the cake with his conclusive rant. Glad to see someone unafraid to speak the truth for once. Miller is an unsung hero who will unfortunately be torn apart limb from limb by the liberal media for this glorious spectacle.
Here’s a hilarious list of Miller’s top quotes from Monday Night Football (compliments of jokeindex.com):
28> “Big deal, so he scored. The last time I saw someone dance like that I had to pay her $20 and have my pants dry cleaned the next day.”
27> “Of *course* he needs to renegotiate his salary — the guy buys more snow than Seward did when he bought Alaska from the Russians.”
26> “That receiver was as wide open as Annabel Chong.”
25> “I haven’t seen anyone rely on the ground game this much since the battle of Verdun.”
24> “With Browns’ ticket prices what they are, you just know that all those dads who brought the entire family to sit in the ‘dog pound’ are secretly calculating how much blood they’re going to have to sell next week to put groceries on the table.”
23> “The quarterback’s spending so much time behind the center that he may jeopardize his right to lead a Boy Scout troop.”
22> “Ray Lewis knifed through those offensive linemen like a sucker-punch switchblade slicing between the ribs of some inebriated trash-talking punk outside a sports bar.”
21> “I’ve seen women pee standing up with better aim.”
20> “I’ve seen better coverage at an Alan Keyes press conference.”
19> “Somebody call Janet Reno — I think I just saw Donato dragging Doug Flutie into a locker room closet!”
18> “The Cowboy’s defense has more holes in it than Ronny Milsapp and Jose Feliciano after a game of lawn darts.”
17> “That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.”
16> “The punt returner got smacked like Nancy Kerrigan’s knee on souvenir pipe night.”
15> “I haven’t seen someone so overmatched since Mike Tyson tried to recite the alphabet.”
14> “That secondary provides worse coverage than a Guatemalan HMO.”
13> “Hey, Cunningham — Andy Warhol called. You’re at 14:55 and we’re tickin’ big-time here, Chachi.”
12> “Concussion? How the hell can they tell? They’re *football* players, for chrissakes!”
11> “He lasted about as long as the dessert tray at Rosie O’Donnell’s house.”
10> “Is it just me, or are the 49ers doing an awful lot of ass-patting today?”
9> “Hey Deion, Bubbelah — maybe you’d better pay a little less attention to those unfairly Draconian salary caps that only allowed you to acquire four of the five remaining 1932 Aston Martins still in road-worthy condition after you’d paid for life’s little necessities like hookers and weed, get your medulla oblongata out of your duodenum for a few milliseconds, and make a tackle or two, okay, Babe?”
8> “Their offense is shakier than Katherine Hepburn after an all-night espresso bender at Starbucks.”
7> “When the hell is Warren Moon going to retire? I mean, this guy is older than the cuneiform in Nebuchadnezzar’s tomb.”
6> “Check out the helmet hair on Randy Moss, babe! He looks like some freakish anti-Mr. T after a long evening sleeping through ‘Aida.'”
5> “That punt was higher than Marion Berry on a fact-finding tour of Cartagena.”
4> “That kid’s got an arm like Uncle Fester at an exhibition of Pre-Colombian… um, Christ, I lost it. I was going for something thick. So what’s with the beard, Grizzly Fouts?”
3> “Nervous? He’s tighter than Pat Buchanan’s sphincter muscle at a 4th of July soiree on Fire Island.”
2> “Ouch! And Marino goes down quicker than his Boonesfarm-infused sister in the back of my ’68 Cutlass on our first date after watching ‘Love Story’ at the drive-in.”
1> “Warner had more hands in his face than an OB-GYN delivering Vishnu’s triplets!”
Satire Sage 